San Francisco

I had the inebriated courage privilege of attending Bay to Breakers last year with some friends. We dressed up as a dodge ball team. I decided not to go this year, but I have a friend going as part of the Norwegian curling team which I think is awesome. Now if you’re not from the Bay Area, you may not be familiar with this race. I use “race” loosely because really it’s only a handful of real athletes competing. The rest are a bunch of costumed drunken buffoons following behind as they stumble from one side of the city to the other. There are floats sometimes, a lot of naked people, and plenty of booze.

To give you a better idea of what your morning (yes it starts at 8am) entails, I  found this handy training plan from this dude’s blog. It’s hilarious, and so true. And just so you know, my own experience didn’t exactly go like this.

Step One: Six weeks before the race, start running a little bit every other day. Begin with a mile or two and increase your mileage and frequency.

Step Two: Learn to shotgun a beer. To do this you will need a house-key. And a beer.

Step Three: On the night before the race, go to a bar with 25 of your closest friends. Lie, and claim it is your birthday

Step Four: Continue drinking until approximately 5 am race day

Step Five: Snort some meth. If no meth is available, try ecstasy. LSD will do in a pinch. Avoid cocaine, as it is a diuretic.

Step Six: At about 8 am, pile into a taxicab with several strangers, and ask to be taken downtown. It does not matter where.

Step Seven: Scarf down a bunch of tortillas you find on the pavement.

Step Eight: Make out with some old naked dude while your friends take photos.

Step Nine: Once the race has begun, shotgun a beer or two (this is when all your training pays off!)

Step Ten: Take off all your clothes and begin heading West.

Step Eleven: When you get to the top of Alamo Square, run into the bushes to vomit and/or pee.

Step Twelve: Wander into a house party on Fell Street. WARNING: this could be your last chance for beer!

Step Thirteen: As you pass under the bridge in Golden Gate Park, take a moment to reflect on all your many blessings. Puke again.

Step Fourteen: Wake up naked, cold, dehydrated and confused at Ocean Beach late Sunday evening.

Step Fifteen: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU MADE IT!!!!!