God she makes me feel so much better about myself.

Sorry for the angsty posts today. Just had to get some of stuff my chest. We’ve all seen Heidi’s new plastic face in the news. I kept looking at it though and it reminded me of someone, or some thing. First it was crazy plastic surgery lady, Cat Woman (bottom left). Then I noticed other celebrities that have gotten plastic surgery like Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton. Then I realized how much they all looked alike! I mean even though Heidi is about 40 years younger than Dolly, they both have that pointy eyebrow, stretched puffy face look. They all do! Natural human faces do not look like this. Frankly it is just gross. They all are trying to attain perfection, and end up looking like some overstretched alien. I think some plastic surgery is fine, but once you hit a certain age, or are mentally unstable like Heidi, it’s time to throw in the scalpel.

When I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said something expected like “a doctor” or “a teacher” – jobs that were familiar to me. I even have a friend from LA that said she wanted to be a music producer when she was a kid. A little odd to me, but it’s a common occupation where she’s from so it makes sense. I’m sure I even went through a phase where I wanted to be an actress because to me that meant playing Baby from Dirty Dancing.

Today though, I wonder what the kidz are saying. Are they still saying “doctor, teacher, nurse” or are they now saying something like “Reality TV star,” “Socialite,” “Celebutante?” Seriously though, I sometimes wonder if I did it all wrong. I studied really hard, went to a good college, went to even more school, collected even more loans, to work at a job that pays just okay. Maybe I should have just chucked all that, found myself a gal pal on a hit reality TV show, buddied up with her and make $8,000 an episode just for pretending to be her friend.

“I make $152,000 a year for barely being on The Hills.”

Or better yet, I could’ve been a total skank on my own hit reality TV show. I’d get tons of viewers by passing out in clubs and getting punched in the face.

Professional Train Wreck

Or what about, “When I grow up, I want to be a rich housewife that uses my fake boobies to mooch off my sugar daddy.” I’ll use his money to become a famous pop singer for a day, even though I’m more tone deaf than a dolphin. They’re tone deaf right?

“You just wish you weren’t tardy for the party.”

Speaking of not really singing, what about growing up to be a washed up pop singer that lucks out MAJORLY when she becomes a judge on a hugely successful TV talent show? You can be batsh*t crazy and publicly intoxicated every day of the week but it won’t even matter, because you’re a gazillionaire. Who’s crazy now?

“You’reth gointh tooo Hallywoodth! Isth this micth onnn?”

Or hey kidz! You could just be famous for being famous. Do anything to stay in the limelight including becoming a wax figure of yourself. Make sure that there is absolutely nothing real about you – your face, your boobs, your voice and, hell even your husband! – “Honey is that your head beeping??”

“My breasts are almost as big as my ego! If my face moved you could see my excitement!”

I got another one. “When I grow up I want to be famous for having a sh*t ton of kids, being the butt of every late-night  joke, and being the most overused Halloween costume idea ever.”

“Eight little paychecks!”

Or maybe you could just be famous just for being you. Do absolutely nothing and get paid for it! You can use fun little catch phrases that make it into every teenager’s vernacular because that’s hottt. You’ll know you’ve hit it big though when your sex tape winds up all over the internet. Way to go!

“That is so fetch!”

Oh well, I guess I missed my calling. I’m going to get back to work now at my real job and stop blogging before I get fired.

Maybe I’ve been living in a cave, but I did NOT know that some of the lyrics to Heidi Montag’s appropriately titled album “Superficial” included “Eat my panties off of me.” I am speechless. The lyrics are from the track “I’ll Do It.” It goes like this: ”I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em / Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally.” An overwhelming urge to vomit. That’s what comes naturally for me. These lyrics are being sung by someone that has claimed to be the “Modern Mother Theresa.” dgfiwegbfgnenebeydhsiefhhfwuwtyeeincbsbdkkkl – Excuse me I fell over laughing. What do you guys think of her new album and choice lyrics?

1) The Miss Universe Pageant performance: the video speaks for itself. This is no joke, this actually happened. A three legged hippopotamus can dance better than her. And did she borrow her outfit from Britney? That is so Britney’s VMA’s see through jumpsuit that she’s wearing!
 

2) Marrying Spencer Pratt: His laugh is an immediate warning sign to stay away. Say it with me, STALKER.

3) The stint on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here: Spray on shampoo, the meltdown and Al Roker bashing her on the Today Show. Enough said there.

4) Marrying Spencer Pratt: His voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. 

5) Posing for Playboy: The issue hasn’t been released yet, but it should make for some fantastic blogging material.

6) Singing and Dancing for this music video: In fact singing and dancing period.

7) Marrying Spencer Pratt: Seriously. Their kids are going to have nasty flesh colored facial hair too. Gross. 

Congratulations Heidi, you never let me down when I need a little self confidence booster.