Heidi Montag

When I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said something expected like “a doctor” or “a teacher” – jobs that were familiar to me. I even have a friend from LA that said she wanted to be a music producer when she was a kid. A little odd to me, but it’s a common occupation where she’s from so it makes sense. I’m sure I even went through a phase where I wanted to be an actress because to me that meant playing Baby from Dirty Dancing.

Today though, I wonder what the kidz are saying. Are they still saying “doctor, teacher, nurse” or are they now saying something like “Reality TV star,” “Socialite,” “Celebutante?” Seriously though, I sometimes wonder if I did it all wrong. I studied really hard, went to a good college, went to even more school, collected even more loans, to work at a job that pays just okay. Maybe I should have just chucked all that, found myself a gal pal on a hit reality TV show, buddied up with her and make $8,000 an episode just for pretending to be her friend.

“I make $152,000 a year for barely being on The Hills.”

Or better yet, I could’ve been a total skank on my own hit reality TV show. I’d get tons of viewers by passing out in clubs and getting punched in the face.

Professional Train Wreck

Or what about, “When I grow up, I want to be a rich housewife that uses my fake boobies to mooch off my sugar daddy.” I’ll use his money to become a famous pop singer for a day, even though I’m more tone deaf than a dolphin. They’re tone deaf right?

“You just wish you weren’t tardy for the party.”

Speaking of not really singing, what about growing up to be a washed up pop singer that lucks out MAJORLY when she becomes a judge on a hugely successful TV talent show? You can be batsh*t crazy and publicly intoxicated every day of the week but it won’t even matter, because you’re a gazillionaire. Who’s crazy now?

“You’reth gointh tooo Hallywoodth! Isth this micth onnn?”

Or hey kidz! You could just be famous for being famous. Do anything to stay in the limelight including becoming a wax figure of yourself. Make sure that there is absolutely nothing real about you – your face, your boobs, your voice and, hell even your husband! – “Honey is that your head beeping??”

“My breasts are almost as big as my ego! If my face moved you could see my excitement!”

I got another one. “When I grow up I want to be famous for having a sh*t ton of kids, being the butt of every late-night  joke, and being the most overused Halloween costume idea ever.”

“Eight little paychecks!”

Or maybe you could just be famous just for being you. Do absolutely nothing and get paid for it! You can use fun little catch phrases that make it into every teenager’s vernacular because that’s hottt. You’ll know you’ve hit it big though when your sex tape winds up all over the internet. Way to go!

“That is so fetch!”

Oh well, I guess I missed my calling. I’m going to get back to work now at my real job and stop blogging before I get fired.