Television

Last night I watched this show on the WE network called Platinum Babies. These couples spend thousands of dollars on their baby showers and nurseries. They bring in designers, party planners, stylists, personal shoppers, feng shui consultants – you name it. Obviously they have money to blow. ($40,000 on a nursery!?) It got me thinking – not about how retarded these couples were for ordering white linen sheets for their crib – but about how so many of these people’s jobs are complete and utter bullshit. $200 AN HOUR for some dude to come in and bless your nursery in feng shui harmony. Really? Hell I’ll come in, move a chair and burn some incense for $50 an hour. I’m a deal! There was even a professional baby-proofer. I had no idea this job even existed until this show. But evidently whoever this couple used, she came highly recommended and was even used by TomKat.

And don’t get me started on customized shite. Couples spend even more money if it’s something with their baby’s name on it– you paint some doodad with their nursery colors, slap on some family photos and a wooden name – $1000 in your hand. It’s unbelievable what rich people will buy. It’s like if they see that something is expensive, they need it. I bet if there was $25,ooo feng shui baby turd they’d fight over it.

That’s it. I’m going to move to Beverly Hills and making up some niche job for myself so I can charge $200 an hour. “Professional infant mani/pedi consultant.” No one steal that. You make up your own fake jobs.

This is fun, I want to think up more fake jobs.

“Sandbox Specialist”

“Baby Weave Expert”

“Plant Whisperer”

“Professional Napper”

“Dessert Consultant”

“Twilight Aficionado”

“Bloggeress Extraordinaire”